New Beginning. 23. (Almost)

It’s been a year or two since I’ve posted. A lot happening in the months of 2018 – 2019. I find myself at a familiar cross roads, this time with the strength of new experiences to draw from. I live in a beachy town in New Zealand, a bounty of nature and new life. I wake to the presence of my life partner and furry feline, in a room lit by either the sun or candlelight. I’ve endured a lot to get here – a lost baby , bad relationships and reoccurring belief in the untrue. It’s only recently I’ve begun to honour my own path, often fighting with perceived and illusionary expectation. Every week I find myself in the wake of new realities, our world in more motion than the previous day. I left my job this morning, a place that had forced me to face my own music and realise the beauty of its profound orchestra. And while I’m facing possible practical difficulty, I am more sure than I have ever been, that I am eternally protected, by my own strength and that of my own lineage. At this time I’m being compelled to consider the narrative of my story; why I have danced with the devil and somehow survived – intact and hopeful evermore. I look through a lens of gratitude today – for the difficulty and triumph alike. I urge the eyes on this post… to do the same. Light and love!! Brontë Louise x

Back to Basics.

We have our breath. You only have to inhale and exhale to touch the miracle that is your existence. A moment of mindfulness. In practice of awareness, you owe it to yourself – to observe this simple function. Breathe. Your breath – unites your past, present and future, all a distinct reality – yet all merely a perception. How miraculous! Your lungs expand only to release again, a rhythm that cleanses your mind, body and spirit. Breathe for me love. Notice yourself – noticing yourself – breathe again. And again. And again.

I have experienced an awakening over the past couple of weeks. Especially yesterday and today. I decided to sit with myself in a small patch of forest, so quintessentially New Zealand; Tuis and silver ferns and a big tall Kauri. I realised how dedicated I had become to feeling numb. As someone who had experienced the indifference of depression, my association untoward ‘numbness’ was all bad – sad – anxious… never had I thought of feeling nothing in so-called ‘happiness’. I had just experienced a couple of weeks that had left me drained. All escapism – all recreational but very very sad. Too much drinking – too much neglect – too many encounters that lacked the substance my soul craved. It made me feel lonely. I was tired of this feeling. So I breathed. And breathed. I breathed through it. And after listening to my intuition and a podcast or two… I REALISED  “You won’t ever feel true love if you don’t allow your tears to cleanse you”.  At this, I cried. And cried. For all the things I had done to ‘forget’. All the people I had been afraid to love. I cried so many tears – I  washed my face with them – palms massaging my cheeks and temples and chin. I breathed. And breathed again. I REALISED ‘a new chapter had begun’. In essence, we have the chance to be born again, every day at breakfast…a special human quality – I love New Beginnings.

And this moment – right now – she is mine. She is beautiful. She is powerful. She is everything I am and wish to become. I truly love her …my heart swells. I don’t resent anything anymore – that isn’t good for her. But its okay to have resented it beforehand.  This moment…she is nursing me back to love – I feed her with my compassion and time and a listening heart. A maternal instinct shines through my surrounding. My true spirit has opened her beautiful – newborn eyes.

Today we go Back to Basics.  I have to re-teach myself things I already know. But that is okay … Thus far we have found;

meditation.

my words of wisdom.

intellectual stimulation.

my passion and purpose.

the true beauty of our ocean and forest.

the sadness of social media.

the disconnect and connection.

my true love (I felt it in my heart)

the love for my body.

the respect for my existence.

the respect for their existence.

the sanctity of my bedroom.

eating to nourish.

living in the moment I want to remember.

love.

love.

love.

Me + Me = True Love.

This is snippet written with the intent to remind you of your journey and the importance of being dedicated to yourself and your growth. The entire context isn’t necessary for you to understand the message…just for you – if in times of confusion – to maybe feel not so alone.

He was beside me, hand on my knee. My heart wasn’t as open as it had been in my quiet moments. My mind abuzz of emotion and foggy with a 4am blanket of irrational thinking. Nothing was making much sense .. hence the tears. I look in hindsight and wish I could’ve spoken with more clarity and calm. Instead, I conveyed something hard in appearance, my sentences short – I felt immediately angry with my lack of insight and softness, I held back and felt frustrated.

But thats okay. Maybe it was the angels or the universe or something other than anxiety tying my tongue in knots. I’ll trust it regardless.

Its been two years. He was my first love and someone that I’ve continued to appreciate and value in memory, conversation and in magical moments of deja vu. He represented the first male to showcase to me, a stream of pure unconditional love. During our sweet three years – my mother was in an abusive relationship, he comforted and supported me through moments of deep abandonment and borderline hysteria. Losing my precious mum to a scary and very troubled man… It was heavy – but he aided in carrying the weight of an almost impossible situation. Although struggling with his own identity and personal distress, I could always rely on his hilarity and compassion and kind heart-  I have him to thank for a lot – its quite something to be able to reconnect someone back to their light.. during such a period of darkness. Agreeing that our bond is still undoubtedly strong –  I have felt both elated and sad over the duration of the last few weeks; such a meaningful character in my story, paying such a fleeting visit. I got very confused – what was the fucking point, always looking at the bigger picture – I failed ( until right now) to realise the reasoning and consequently became upset at the thought of him travelling back to where he resides.

Its hard to differentiate things and sit in a peaceful state of logic when overcome by emotion. Especially one that we perceive as the love between two people.  I know its something alot of humans struggle to endure – it can be a lonely road at times and isolating. My experience over the past few weeks – was something I wanted  to share. Often we lose ourselves and what is divinely right, to the thought of an outcome or a product of fear..often one that involves being ‘forever alone’. Everyone has a shadow side, we are all fucked up – we are all traumatised – we are all a work in progress. I know intuitively, I still have alot to do within that of my relationship between me, myself and I – I am so multi faceted, I am so beautifully aligned, I am so in love with my chosen existence and lucky in many regards. So lucky.

In our conversations – we talked of being the curator of our own life – in 2 years we had discovered the power in taking life by the reigns and had learnt of our individual capabilities, how wholesome it felt to be lovingly selfish. Compromising this would be ill fated, I had not yet reached my pinnacle and I had a knowing that the universe required a little more from me before I could settle into the inevitable. I feel so empowered by my decision to value this time – just being Bronte Louise Kent. This isn’t me saying you shouldn’t fall into the arms of true love … instead me affirming that it isn’t necessary  to the value of your existence. You are perfect – just being a love story … of your very own.

Love and Light and Happiness .. B Louise x

Me + Me = True Love

 

I am … Bi.

It was July 2017, the day before my 20th birthday. I’d been listening to Tash Sultana for 6 months straight now. My eyes would morph into love heart emojis at the thought of her electric guitar solos, bright green eyes and boyish demeanour. I experimented weekly with my dress sense and would clothe myself in ‘gay’ attire, looking uncharacteristically androgynous walking down Karangahape Road.

I had always identified with my peers as Bi-Sexual; In year 11 I came out to my first boyfriend and he punched a tree – square in the trunk…the way in which I had explained my attraction for both sexes, made him assume I was about to leave him for a woman. Lacking directness and clarity, I put my interest in the female to bed for a couple of years. I feared a lot of things, I knew the stigma attached to bi sexual’s reeked of greed, indecision and nymphomania (a desire to fuck everything that moves) I had socialised exclusively with the LBGTQ community, I knew first hand that a lot had suffered tremendously with pain surrounding ‘coming out’ – The aching eagerness I had, to be acknowledged as bi-sexual, didn’t feel warranted, valid or important enough. This was my own complex, my own fucked up and pretzeled complex.

But I HAD  travelled a path of chronic uncertainty, I HAD endured a mental suffering… I remember my first boyfriend cradling me (the same one who punched the tree)  as I cried (a little too hard) after watching Blue is the Warmest Colour. They were deep, hard sobs. It had scared me. I thought I was gay – “but I love him too much, I love this too much” – I felt like such a fucking liability. I was. I continued to run back and forth – seeking validation in boy after encounter after boy after encounter..hey presto…Bronte Kent has changed her relationship status again. My preceding, (male) partners felt the backlash of my mis-construed sadness and my crush on the idea of loving a woman increased significantly – day by day by day by day.

But I hadn’t found ‘her’ yet..no one had compelled me to fully admit to myself that this was real – that my bi sexuality was more than a dirty lil crush on Tash Sultana and the odd pash with a chick here n there. It didn’t need to be a love of the century…I just needed one moment, one poignant life moment with the same sex for conformation.

And that occurred serendipitously just shy of a week ago; I wont elaborate – because I’m still within that moment – within that juncture – experiencing the simultaneous gravity and elatedness of ‘her’.

Telling my mum “Im bi – sexual” was to be the biggest and most note worthy statement I would ever make. A milestone in itself. I stood in the door way to her bedroom and to my surprise, cried hysteric tears of … wait…was this shame or relief? Mum offered to hug me but I denied her. I didn’t want to be touched. Taken-a-back by my reaction I realised how much I had suppressed throughout my 20 years –  the pure acknowledgment of this aspect to who I was, induced a bitter sub current of fear. I had been so pro self expression, accepting and encouraging toward others becoming their most authentic selves – but had failed to look at myself in the same light. My mother was expectedly and immediately communicative of her pure love for me…regardless of anything.

I love my mum. I really love her.

Coming out to my mother … it was like coming out to myself. Since.. I feel like I have found ‘it’ – whatever the fuck I was searching for in people..I found ‘it’. And I’m experiencing myself. The self love I preach and advocate – I’m living and practicing and thriving within. I’m on cloud nine and feel unstoppable; In my woman hood and perfectly imperfect human experience. I feel immense gratitude and love, for all who have been characters in my story thus far – all supportive and endearing and so purposeful. I realise how lucky I am. My heart goes out to those who aren’t so readily accepted – and if you are reading this and struggling…I empathise with you sweet soul. And I want you to know, the universe will always work in your greatest favour. It might feel tedious and torturous.. but you will grow and become so amazingly self aware, wise and perceptive. I promise.

Thank you for reading.

I love you – Bronte Louise x  

 

 

“One poignant life moment”

hello again sweet pea.

Its been almost a year since I last typed into google “wordpress” – a second attempt at documenting the inner working of my thought process, my mind and its key, integral state of existence within the universe. This time however, I come to you with stories and the knowledge of new life lessons, all accumulative of 2017 – my own (and arguably the worlds) best year of evolvement to date. I now sit before this computer screen, 20 years old, with a slightly darker pigment in my hair – a prospective teacher, writer and humanitarian, figuring out how to ‘come out’ as bi-sexual to my family, a newly founded undertaking of spiritual exploration (do I go to the buddhist temple today?) and a flat viewing at 2pm. I have so many topics I want to commit to paper in an unprecedented and slightly unconventional way, being of service to my pint sized audience through honesty, passion and the written word.

 

 

I welcome you with open arms into my newly generated, human experience.

hello again sweet pea. 

 

 

 

Why Being Female F**king Rocks My Tye-Dye Socks.

As woman, and young woman in-paticualr, we tend to become emotionally consumed by the external; this ultimately causes a disconnect with our intuitive state of being. As emotionally guided creatures, our biological disposition is one of creation and love, a treasure to humanity for balancing out the energy of our male counter parts. Of course, this does not take away from equality, the strength and powerful capabilities we withhold in a man-made world, I am simply writing this to recognise and embrace the differences we behold. I feel there is a certain magic within both young and old ladies, a bewitching quality to the way in we are able to be so influential in our compassion. Think of your mother, your grandmother or indeed, any ‘important’ female figure you have admired (Meryl Streep?). A primitive healing power is so palpable in all, regardless of the characteristics of which it may reveal itself…So here are 9 reasons of which I love to embrace the fact…that  I was born female.

1. In the last 100 years we have made an everlasting dent in society. Our fighting spirit has been strong enough to outwit laws, so-called governmental masterminds, biblical misconception, social expectation. There is something to be said for the tenacity of a gentlewoman.
2. Childbirth. The ability to harbour new earthlings and experience the most primal and instinctive process in the history of our world. Ever. In this we are forever connected to all of our ancestors, this is something precious to only us.
3. We don’t have to protect our social reputation/dignity by way of passive aggressive arm wrestles at parties. 
4. As sad as it may be…our society allows us the capacity to emote more openly. (This is something I would like to see change) I see and experience how this affects my male counterparts. It makes me a little sad…how oh so relieved, that I’m a lass.
5. We can have multiple orgasms. It’s like a kinky party trick. But more satisfying than being able to lick your elbow.
6.  Indria Gahndi,  Magret Thatcher, Rosa Parks,  Emily Bronte, Oprah Winfrey, Princess Diana, Malala Yousafzai, Mother Theresa. As part of the liberation of Female, those ladies somewhat confirm that the last 100 years, signal the forthcoming of ample opportunity for our future darling daughters. 
7.  We sweat less. Perspiration is uncomfortable when sitting on leather sofas/opposite a new love interest.
8. Because of the miracle that is a vagina, the fear and social embarrassment of getting an erection in public is non-existent.
9. The ability to be comforted by venus’ offspring is a testament to the strength and authenticity of Woman hood. A lady to lady conversation can leave you feeling cherished, emotionally revitalised and loved. My soul sisters are like healing hands to all my wounds. 

Love and light and empowernment,

Bronte Louise xx

“The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. ”

― Roseanne Barr

For I feel most lady like with no pants on.

A Beautiful Reminder…

Plopping myself on the bus this morning, brain all foggy and capable of only primal activity…eat, get dressed and form the words “into the city please”. My fifties attire bright and Monroe-esque. I hadn’t ventured like this before, so solo and with a significant small adventure planned “Im going to the museum today wbu? ”. I felt tragically intrepid. Before noon was a treasured time of day. The first breath of the A.M compelled a vulnerability detectable in the roughest of folk. All babies of the universe, sleepy-eyed and velvety. In my visit to the wardrobe of history, I made an oath to indulge in each artefact, like a precious pot of honey. My eyes were to be the sticky fingers and my brain like 1000 tingled taste buds. Walking through the domain towards my ‘journeys end, I remembered my six-year-old feet, wandering with a similar enthusiasm. Such was my smile, so I wide and worn, I might have related to the sun itself. I was completely without an ego today, I felt unshackled from her, liberated and in agreement my naked spirit. Why so nude and tickled pink? Because at present my ego was D.E.A.D. Whilst editing her tinder profile and waiting upon on a text that would never arrived, her throat was cut… murdered by my inner liberal and empowered feminist. As far as I was concerned, Miss Ego-Bitch could stay massacred. She clawed at boys and wailed like a relative had died because her stomach folded over. It was something of a beautiful reminder. I’d remember this day till I saw the world through creased eyes. Looking at my countries heritage, I knew exactly who I wanted to be, in the eyes of Goldies finest, I found empowerment. I was proud of myself. I was breaking away from my own self deprecating rituals and old scripts/ affirmations were being proof read and edited. I encourage you to do much of the same…proactively find yourself. I go forward with a relieved anxiety and a replenished adoration for my existence.

Happiness, Love and Light…Bronte Louise x

just feeling like a magic seed was flourishing all flowery in my belly.

Writings. Number 1.

The high and mighty God sweeps across each landscape like a bird with golden feathers. A crying woman bathes in the sea, to expel an unearthly cry, her beloved baby, taken by the clutch of divinities claw to help newborn souls in heaven.

‘The bird with such resplendent plumage’ talks in all native tongue, chirping in each tree to amend wars by way of a peaceful moment. To cut a slice of bread, is to find a golden feather of hope, in each crumb, holy flour to feed us. Outside a watchful black eye; lonesome little Archie kicking the ground, wishing desperate at the dirt, that our feathered friend would peck his daddy to death.

In everything I saw him. The Universe; introduced to my dense human exterior, as a character, made comprehensible in fables and anecdotes.

The Universe. He and She and It.

Observing our turmoil and tediousness, orchestrating ‘whats meant to be’. Beneath our on mass anxiety, was the ringing of its flapping wings, producing like a turbine the air, in which we breathe, to co-exist and learn our lessons.

Life. Transience. Death.

A mere thought in the eternity of which our soul floats.

Our Existence.

Written with love..Bronte Louise x

When the Super Moon was out for all to bathe in. Complete feeling of life and death and everything in between. It was the most beautiful I had ever seen myself, my happiness selected in how big and bright she was. 

19. Turning 20. In the Year Trump Might Build A Wall and Blows S**t Up. (2k17)

It’s a sobering thought to think of yourself, alone and individual. On a voyage of self discovery, I have found myself; Bronte Lousie Kent, 19, in a permanent state of fresh starts. The attempt to be ‘alone’ and happy has been both successful and a mess, I feel like a 40-year-old divorcee minus the children and settlement papers. With youth on my side, I am lucky and pre disposed to stupidity and fanciful escapes…like kissing strangers (my number is now 17…the herpes I could’ve contracted… oh lord) and getting caught up in problems that don’t belong to me. I don’t do drugs because my body convulses at the slightest hint of lay Mary Jane….however I drink sometimes and fall asleep in piles of washing. The stigma aside…its been part of a very beautiful process “who am I” becoming an eternal and inspiring adventure for my mind and body and soul. Throughout the impending 365 days, I intend to create a story. One that I am proud to tell…Giving something bigger than myself to my current universe and state of spirit. To delve deeper. The documentation of promised happenings will be honest and at times…slightly unforgiving. Just as life is, both happy and sad. Ohhhh I feel so awakened…how exciting. Enjoy this belated but comprehensive list of my years worth of ‘To Do’s’.

 

Stuff I Wanna Do On the Green and Blue in 2k17

1. Install a sense of practicality/logic into my dreamy way of thinking.
2. Learn more about saving our planet. “What can I do mother nature? I’ll google it and read books on it and THEN you can talk to me through the trees and we shall work out a plan. okay?”
3. Read Eckhart Tolle and The Life of PI.
4. Simplify. Stop with the un-nessacary purchases dick face.
5. Plan a solo adventure somewhere relatively far away. Also take myself on dates to intellectually and spiritually stimulating places locally…Here I come Fo Guang Shan Buddhist Temple/Auckland Art Gallery.
6. Buy a car. And drive it. And therefore become a functioning part of society.
7. Become something of a role model.
8. Work with little humans (children) creatively.
9. Create a blog (tickticktick).
10. Indulge in music and meditation every. single. day.
11. Create good karma. Actively.
12. Stop pashing strangers (as often).
13. Become more knowledgable on unassuming topics such as classical piano and theatre and op-shops and New Zealand politics. (Because I’m apparently an impending retiree.)
14. Evolve. And put my earthly journey first. Before anything.

 

Aroha to you all and within my words…Bronte Louise xx